Why don't I listen to me? It's funny that I've named my blog this, but I've never actually touched on why. Why DON'T I listen to me?
I think it's because I know that if I overthink things, I'll realize my life is a dump. Who the fuck drops out of school halfway through their freshman year? I do. Who starts smoking because 'everyone at work smokes?' I do. Who screws up every opportunity with his girlfriend? You guessed it.
I don't know what to do anymore. My life is in shambles. I miss my friends -- but now I wonder if they miss me. What do I even really do with my 'friends?'
It's now bordering on 3:30 AM. Yet, here I am, sitting in the dark, in front of my laptop, learning PHP and MySQL, because I dread going upstairs to argue with my girlfriend. Again.
What the hell, man? This is not what life was supposed to be like.
I was raised to believe that we were here to go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, and die. The object was to live comfortable, within societal norms. You'd have a degree (what for?), a job that you didn't like, and a wife, who was the only person your own age you'd hang out with outside of work. You dreaded casual Friday because you didn't know what to wear, and the highlight of your day was the new intern.
But no. I have a dead end job at 19. I'm supporting myself, living in a house, and ... and what? That's it. I haven't entered adulthood, I've pushed it off another year. At least.
It's times like this I wish I was good at something. I could write a beautiful ballad on guitar. I could express myself through poetry, painting, singing, anything. But I can't. I don't have the talent to communicate exactly what I'm feeling, except through ranting on a blog that nobody reads.
What am I going to do tomorrow? Wake up (most likely at 1:30PM, because I'm far too lazy to see daylight.), go to work (which I'm no good at. Yeah, that's me whining. You'll live), come home, and listen to my girlfriend tell me how much she hates me. I'll go back to my place (alone, of course), and smoke myself to sleep.
The day after that? Same thing. And so the cycle repeats. This is what I've been doing. This is how life will continue, or at least until I find enough discipline to shoulder some real responsibility. If I find that discipline.
Welcome to my life. Enjoy it for what it is, because nothing good ever lasts.
Ever.
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1 comment:
Life isn't what everyone tells you it is. It is what you make of it. Hang in there! PHP/MYSQL is a good starting point for a bright future. I know the feelings all to well. The only thing I can suggest is to try to focus on good things. Expect the best and you'll receive it. I know it's hard to imagine, but that's how it is. I still struggle with it everyday, but I always reap the benefits of doing so when I do.
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