Why Don't I Listen To Me?

New Domain

2008-09-14T17:08:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone,

My new blog is at whydontilistentome.com. There won't be any more updates here. Thanks for the good times, Blogger!

Happiness?

2008-09-14T15:46:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I've updated, so for anyone (or nobody -- I don't know what kind of traffic this blog gets) who cares, here's what's going on:

Life is meant to be enjoyed. That's the purpose, and the meaning. If you disagree with me, suck it. I'm a happy person, and I think that a lot of good things come from being happy. It astounds me how good people are in general, and how much pleasure people get from making other people smile.

That's how I try to live my life. If I can make you smile, be my friend. Be someone who I'll care about, someone who will make me smile, and someone who I'll not forget. I try to leave an imprint on everyone I meet -- not physically, of course, just a memory or a phrase or anything.

I have the best friends in the world. It's true. You can argue with me, but I just blog, so that would be silly.

That intro was mildly disorganized. That's sort of where my head is at the moment. I'm confused. Very confused. Happy now, but confused.

Now is where it gets general and fun to decipher:

Things are good in my life. Many things are very good, actually. I'm in line for a promotion, I like my job, I'm better at it than I was. My house is great, I love my roommates, and I have a car to get around in. I have awesome friends (explained already), and a pretty decent love life. The problem is when other people are down.

I'm very affected by my surroundings. If a friend is in a bad mood, I very quickly join them. I hate to see other people miserable. It makes me miserable, then I make other people miserable, then everyone's unhappy.

I had a great weekend the last few days. Regardless of stupid things that happened (bacon), it was a very nice weekend, caught up with a bunch of old friends, and had a really good time in general. I think the reason I was so happy all the time was because I was around people who were also happy. And if they weren't happy, I would leave.

That worries me more than anything. Would I have had the same weekend were I hanging around with people who didn't want to be happy?

That's silly. Of course not. Circumstances change, and the events surrounding those circumstances change. That's how the world works. Kind of.

I'm done writing, cuz I can't think of anything else I need to say. Live and love life. Please.

For me.

Reasons to Give Up

2008-07-06T03:21:00.004-04:00

Why don't I listen to me? It's funny that I've named my blog this, but I've never actually touched on why. Why DON'T I listen to me?

I think it's because I know that if I overthink things, I'll realize my life is a dump. Who the fuck drops out of school halfway through their freshman year? I do. Who starts smoking because 'everyone at work smokes?' I do. Who screws up every opportunity with his girlfriend? You guessed it.

I don't know what to do anymore. My life is in shambles. I miss my friends -- but now I wonder if they miss me. What do I even really do with my 'friends?'

It's now bordering on 3:30 AM. Yet, here I am, sitting in the dark, in front of my laptop, learning PHP and MySQL, because I dread going upstairs to argue with my girlfriend. Again.

What the hell, man? This is not what life was supposed to be like.

I was raised to believe that we were here to go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, and die. The object was to live comfortable, within societal norms. You'd have a degree (what for?), a job that you didn't like, and a wife, who was the only person your own age you'd hang out with outside of work. You dreaded casual Friday because you didn't know what to wear, and the highlight of your day was the new intern.

But no. I have a dead end job at 19. I'm supporting myself, living in a house, and ... and what? That's it. I haven't entered adulthood, I've pushed it off another year. At least.

It's times like this I wish I was good at something. I could write a beautiful ballad on guitar. I could express myself through poetry, painting, singing, anything. But I can't. I don't have the talent to communicate exactly what I'm feeling, except through ranting on a blog that nobody reads.

What am I going to do tomorrow? Wake up (most likely at 1:30PM, because I'm far too lazy to see daylight.), go to work (which I'm no good at. Yeah, that's me whining. You'll live), come home, and listen to my girlfriend tell me how much she hates me. I'll go back to my place (alone, of course), and smoke myself to sleep.

The day after that? Same thing. And so the cycle repeats. This is what I've been doing. This is how life will continue, or at least until I find enough discipline to shoulder some real responsibility. If I find that discipline.

Welcome to my life. Enjoy it for what it is, because nothing good ever lasts.
Ever.

2008-06-30T19:43:00.002-04:00

I don't think life is hard, persay. I think it's a challenge to maintain happiness, but the majority of the time, even that is pretty easy. The challenge comes in balancing your ego, your superego, and your id.

I find that a lot of times, I don't do this well. I think this is the only thing causing me not to be happy all the time.

Love -- well, don't even get me started.

On a scale of one to ten, today sucked.

Just because

2008-06-24T01:34:00.002-04:00

So I finally installed Windows XP on my laptop. It's good, but it's not running any faster than Vista did, and I'm annoyed because the typing seems to need the chance to catch up with me. Oh well. what's done is done, and it would be ridiculous to try and change back now.

I took 42 chats today at work. That's unheard of. Sweet. I win this time.

Update

2008-06-23T08:46:00.002-04:00

Status Update:

Things I've been doing well:

1. Losing Weight
--I've been to the gym 4 out of the last 6 days. I'm going again today. Sweet.
--Eating healthier. I've stopped snacking as much late at night.

2. Eye doctor. Finally got a new set of contacts, and a pair of glasses. Much needed.

3. Cutting back on smoke.

4. My job. Chats rock.

Things I have not been doing well:

1. Taking classes.

2. Re-registering my car.

3. Quitting smoking.

4. Telling my parents the truth about a lot of things.

5. Saving money.

Well, not bad. We'll see how it goes further into the summer.

WTF?!

2008-06-09T15:39:00.000-04:00

I decided last night to go visit the Gellers. I'm in DE for the summer, and they're in Closter, which is about 150 miles up 95. I didn't know how to get there, so I spent most of the car ride on the phone. Bear in mind, I left at 10:45 PM last night. Well, the directions I had told me to get off at exit 15W. For those of you who don't know, that's the exit for Newark, NJ. Not a very nice part of town. After some maneuvering around (and yelling frantically at Blake), I got back on 95N, and continued my journey. Except I was on the expressway. Well, I got to exit 72 (the correct exit for Palisades Parkway), and realized that I COULDN'T GET OFF THERE. Holy shit. So here I am, never having been to New York, crossing the GW Bridge. (By the way, what the fuck's up with an $8.00 toll?). I ask the lady at the booth how to get to the Palisades Parkway, and she says 'you've got to turn around.' That's it. That's all that fucking bitch said. So I get across the bridge, and I get off at the first exit I can (after almost being hit by a taxi). Well, that was a poor choice.

At this point in time, it's 2:30AM. It's dark, and I just sat in traffic before the bridge for an HOUR AND A HALF. I'm going to repeat that, even though this is an email so you can read it again. I moved 1.4 miles in an HOUR AND A HALF. Fine. No biggie. Got my iPod, got some snacks, a Monster, whatever. Well, that exit (the first one in NY that I could see), was to DOWNTOWN HARLEM. So now I'm in downtown Harlem, having never been in NYC, much less at 2:30AM, and there were more athletes on the street than attend the U of D. After locking my doors (several times), I finally managed to find SOMETHING that looked like it MIGHT lead back to 95S. I managed to get on it, and then, at 3:15AM, finally got on the parkway, and found my way to the Gellers.

Some might say 'Matt, you're an idiot. Why would you make a 150 mile drive that late at night to somewhere you'd never been?' The answer? IDFK. Fuck off. It was a dumb idea, but I got a decent story out of it.

Interesting

2008-06-05T17:05:00.001-04:00

so there's videos on youtube on how to perform a SQL injection. that seems...illegal? meh. just more work for me to do.

summer is boring. that's my final answer. i do like that i can spend a lot more time with her, tho :)

we had a nice conversation last night. went till about 2AM, but totally worth it. I like when we connect.

Also, i've made a few resolutions (mostly in reference to my summer goals), but i had a bad experience, so i'm making DRASTIC lifestyle changes.

Eating healthy is number one. Had some salmon yesterday for dinner, didn't eat in bed. that's step one.

Don't know what i'll do for dinner tonight, but i'm not gonna get food before bed again. I felt so much better this morning, for NOT eating a ridiculous amount last night.

Well, onto bigger and (probably not) better things. zzzzzzzzzseeya!

Dave Matthews = Love

2008-06-04T18:10:00.003-04:00

Setlist:

1. Dreaming Tree
2. Gravedigger
3. Grey Street
4. The Maker
5. So Damn Lucky
6. One Sweet World
7. Jimi Thing
8. Crash
9. Money (Pink Floyd cover)
10. #41
11. Sister
12. Everyday
13. Cornbread
14. Louisiana Bayou
15. Die Trying
ENCORE:
16. Hey Hey, My My (Neil Young cover)
17. Tripping Billies

That was a hella good show. Really freaking awesome. Lotta underplayed songs, but they were all good. Wish the kids behind me weren't screaming during Dreaming Tree (for those of you that don't know, it's a very slow, quiet song.)

I don't feel like blogging today.

2008-05-28T20:51:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the missed post yesterday. I just don't feel like blogging. I'm tired, and I still don't feel well.

In lieu of blog, how bout a list?

Plans for the summer:

1. Lose 30 pounds
2. Stop smoking cigarettes
3. Be as happy/happier than I am now.
4. Increase savings to $5,000.
5. Take class enough to go back to school.
6. Get better at my job
7. Get my sleep schedule back to normal
8. Continue blogging

We'll see how it goes. Number one is easy, number three is easy, and hopefully number four will be easy.

Two is tough, cuz i'm still gonna be working. five isn't really up to me, as it's UD's decision, and eight is just sort of one of those 'maybe i'll do this for a while' kind of ideas.

Six. Six is gonna be a toughie. This job is hard, but I figure without the distractions of friends, I'll start to nerd out, and maybe learn to code, or at least get an average ticket count of 20. It intertwines with number seven, as I'm (hopefully) getting my schedule shifted back to the daytime.

Well, probably oughta get started on these.

Another Blog, Another Day

2008-05-26T14:22:00.002-04:00

'llo again. woke up this morning, expecting to have lunch with Erika and Sam, but all of a sudden, couldn't move. i felt like my stomach was trying to punch me in the...stomach. 'twas unpleasant. called out of work, that sucks. i hate doing that. on the bright side, get to see the fam tonight for dinner, and we're going to a japanese place. sweet.

that's really about all i've got. i'm tired, don't feel well, and have been in and out of the bathroom all day.

stay tuned for the next exciting episode.

hey, and you. yeah, you. stop reading this, or tell me where yours is. :-P

May 25th

2008-05-25T14:36:00.002-04:00

i think i'm going to begin blogging. like, f'reals. i kinda like writing, and i also love expressing my thoughts, so the two of those things together is like...two things that i like.

just use it like a journal, i guess.

got up this morning (unusual, i know), and had a house meeting. basically, the verdict was that i need to start being a normal person, and not leaving shit everywhere. that's fine. i do.

also, got a chore wheel going. that's exciting. and clean.

SHE was worrying me again today. I wonder why. I just look for verbal confirmations of things i want to hear, and i don't get it. meh. we're okay. SHE's absolutely amazing, i wish i could make her believe that.

now i'm at work. blah. sunday. we've got about 22 tickets. and roughly five are untaken. guess that means i'll just have to blog. :D

My Research Paper

2007-11-07T07:57:00.000-05:00

How media has such a strong impact on all events in the modern world: more specifically, how FIRE.org has had such a strong impact on the University of Delaware.

My Rant

2007-10-01T19:18:00.000-04:00

If reality TV is the "he said, she said" equivalent of "Professional" Wrestling, then what does the genre offer? Define spectacle as a postmodern event and what psychological or social needs spectacle fulfills particularly through the genre (or genres) of reality TV.

If all arguments are presented to a specific audience, and reality TV is trying to convince its audience of something, who is the audience and what is it trying to convince them of? Does it depend on the premise of each show, or is there also a message being delivered across the genre?
Part I:
Remember the days of the original Survivor? Richard got naked and Susan was a bitch? Good stuff. This recent reality crap is awful. Have you seen "Juvies?" if not, don't. It's awful. Anyway, life is too short to watch the sheer amount of junk that is on TV anymore. I get my fill of south park and family guy, watch whatever scrubs I can, and turn the thing off. That's really the best way, I think, to make sure that you don't spend all your time at the TV. And you avoid a lot of bad influences that way. Paris Hilton should die a horrible death.

Part II:
The genre of reality TV offers entertainment. That is all. There is no underlying, deep meaning. It's cheap, low quality, mindless television. It doesn't reflect on real life -- there's no correlation between binge drinking every night and having an actual job. It's not the same as real life, despite its misleading label. The idea of "spectacle" is just that. It's an attention grabber. Shock value. It's media's new toy to grab audiences by the cahones and twist. MTV has a show out now called Scarred. It's a show about kids who have done stupid things and hurt themselves in the process. They show the wounds. It's horrendous.
Personally, spectacle does not hold appeal to me. I don't enjoy watching people scream profanities, hurt themselves, or consume things that should not be consumed. I suppose, in some sects of society, this shock value could be considered humorous or entertaining, but I cannot believe that spectacle "fulfills social needs."
There is no message in reality TV except for this: "Give us your time and money." There is no underlying tone. There is no educational value to watching reality TV. Reality TV isn't an argument, nor is it attempting to convince anyone of anything, except maybe the fact that Americans enjoy mindless TV.

My Take Two

2007-09-06T16:35:00.000-04:00

So! Apparently, I don't follow direction well. Here's the article we were SUPPOSED to blog about.

1. Alright, the article was decent. It was too long. Should have been about 4 paragraphs shorter. I know they could have cut it down, but they didn't. It held my attention up until the list. Then I stopped caring. The author has a nice voice. It sounds like he's actually talking to me. I like the accessibility. Lastly, I like that he even thought up this article. I've never been a blogger, but I like the idea behind them, and now that people are "trusting" them, I look forward to blogging in the future.
BLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOG. That's a fun word to say.

2. This article itself is a fallacy. It's a bifurcation. News is either blogs or "else." This doesn't hold water! Blogs are not a source of news. That in and of itself renders the rest of the article useless, because blogs don't compete with news sources. They may discuss, criticize, praise or ignore them, but blogs have not, do not, and will not compete with sites like CNN.com, or the New York Times. It just won't happen.
However, if the underlying argument was valid, the article would have made good points. The idea of transparency, I think, is one of the most important areas for blogs to shine above "other" news sources. The blogs that are able to be trusted are the blogs that cite themselves, acknowledge mistakes, and state their own opinion, rather than spitting out half digested facts and generalizations. Blogs and bloggers are human in source, and more accessible than a front page newspaper article.

I like the idea, just not the way it's presented. Less emphasis on competition between blogs and other media, and more emphasis on the rise of reliable, informative blogs would have made this article better.

My First Mistake

2007-09-06T16:22:00.000-04:00

So! here goes nothing...my first blog. First of all, i apologize for the fact that i rarely use capital letters. It bothers even me sometimes.

1. I like the general direction of this article. I think that it is an article based in reality, and I also think that it has a very strong ending. However, it strikes me that TV is such a staple to the American way that it will stay around for a long, long time. Progress is being continually made, but some things have more staying power than others, and I think TV is one of those things.

2. The arguments in this article are strong and varied. I find it slightly ironic, though, that the article is attacking the variety in media with a wide variety of arguments. Either way, the arguments are strong. With the exception of one or two generalizations, and one case of attacking the source, rather than the argument (Paragraph 2), the arguments are well laid out, easy to follow, and they are not fallacies. I take fault with the author, however, for not citing or documenting much of what he argues. The material is easy enough to look up, but citing one's work is crucial to laying a strong foundation for an argument.
Without a doubt, the strongest argument in the essay lies in the 15th paragraph, the study by Robert Putnam. It is well documented and really drives home the point of the article. In fact, much of the article could be cut back thanks to this paragraph.

What I'm saying is "Well done, Michael Hedges."

My First Blog

2007-09-01T20:01:00.000-04:00

So I think what I'll do is title every blog like a Scrubs episode. I hope that's not a copyright infringement.

Hey Kainoa...You rock. Seriously, I've had nothing but crappy English teachers, so I'm really excited that this year I might actually learn how to write.

This was merely a test.